‘Merica (TFC) – Sometimes stereotypes contain a element of truth. Most do. Canadians, for example, are the sort of folks that would build a hitchhiking robot and let it travel around the country. Germans would never spend their time building something so frivolous, but if the robot was dropped off in their country by the Canadians, they’d happily oblige and let it ride around for a couple of weeks. Then we come to the US. In the United States, we don’t just destroy the Canadian robot, we beat it to death violently. We decapitate it. We rip its arms and legs off. Elements of our media even make fun of the thing being built in the first place and describe it as “useless.”
By American standards it was pretty useless. It was simply a social experiment. We all know that experiments are nothing more than the product of fancy book-learnin’. Ain’t nobody got time for that, right? Violence is as American as apple pie. We’ve proven that yet again. The experiment worked out perfectly. It showed that without a doubt Americans are exactly as the rest of the world sees us: violent, cheeseburger-eating sports fans that would rather destroy something than walk by it.
In Canada, the robot made it from coast to coast without incident. It attended a wedding. Since this article is silly it will probably reach beyond our normal American readers. I suddenly feel the need to point out that traveling across Canada is comparable in distance to crossing the US, which was the robot’s goal. (Canada is the country to the North of us.)
In Germany, it toured the entire country. It went to a carnival. It attended another wedding and was kissed by the bride. It did all of this in ten days.
In the Netherlands, it attended refined arts events.
In the United States, it was dropped off in Boston with a stated destination of San Francisco. Americans took it to the City of Brotherly Love and murdered it.
Top Ten Reasons HitchBOT had to die:
10. Keeping it simple: Americans are assholes.
9. 9/11. (That still excuses pretty much anything right?)
8. We’ve seen Terminator too many times.
7. It had not accepted Jesus as its Lord and Savior.
6. It was different.
5. It was an illegal alien here to take our jobs.
4. It had a confusing gender.
3. It hated us for our freedom.
2. It was black, or at least part black.
or the Number 1 reason HitchBOT had to die: The high school dropout that beat it to death was a Philly cop who was in fear for his life.