Man wants to Make Oral Sex Punishable by Death in California

"EqualityLLenglish" by Iwilltellyou

“EqualityLLenglish” by Iwilltellyou

San Diego, California (TFC) – A Christian legal genius that has some inexplicable fear of homosexual men has proposed a California ballot initiative that would make oral and anal sex punishable by death. In the process, he managed to offend Christians that understand the Bible and disprove the Theory of Evolution.

The proposed bill is obviously targeted at California’s gay population, but Matt McLaughlin apparently isn’t bright enough to understand that if the term sodomite is not legally defined, the common usage is applied. Here’s the common usage:



anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex.


copulation with a member of the same sex.”


This is the full text of this idiot’s proposed legislation:


a) The abominable crime against nature known as buggery, called also sodomy, is a monstrous evil that Almighty God, giver of freedom and liberty, commands us to suppress on pain of our utter destruction even as he overthrew Sodom and Gomorrha.


b) Seeing that it is better that offenders should die rather than that all of us should be killed by God’s just wrath against us for the folly of tolerating-wickedness in our midst, the People of California wisely command, in the fear of God, that any person who willingly touches another person of the same gender for purposes of sexual gratification be put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method.


c) No person shall distribute, perform, or transmit sodomistic propaganda directly or indirectly by any means to any person under the age of majority. Sodomistic propaganda is defined as anything aimed at creating an interest in or an acceptance of human sexual relations other than between a man and a woman. Every offender shall be fined $1 million per occurrence, and/or imprisoned up to 10 years, and/or expelled from the boundaries of the state of California for up to life.


d) No person shall serve in any public office, nor serve in public employment, nor enjoy any public benefit, who is a sodomite or who espouses sodomistic propaganda or who belongs to any group that does.


e) This law is effective immediately and shall not be rendered ineffective nor invalidated by any court, state or federal, until heard by a quorum of the Supreme Court of California consisting only of judges who are neither sodomites nor subject to disqualification hereunder.


f) The state has an affirmative duty to defend and enforce this law as written, and every member of the public has standing to seek its enforcement and obtain reimbursement for all costs and attorney’s fees in so doing, and further, should the state persist in inaction over 1 year after due notice, the general public is empowered and deputized to execute all the provisions hereunder extra-judicially, immune from any charge and indemnified by the state against any and all liability.


g) This law shall be known as 11The Sodomite Suppression Act” and be numbered as section 39 in Title 3 of the Penal Code, pertaining to offences against the sovereignty of the state. The text shall be prominently posted in every public school classroom. All laws in conflict with this law are to that extent invalid.”

McLaughlin offended Christians as the legislation seems to imply that the blood of Jesus, which is believed by Christians to have paid for the sins of all mankind, is unable to cleanse the sin of homosexuality.

On the upside for the fundamentalist Christian community, nobody can honestly believe in evolution at this point. If the theories of Darwin were true, natural selection would have prevented this man from breeding by leading him in front of a bus by now.

We at The Fifth Column can only hope and pray that this was an elaborate joke perpetrated by a next-level troll. Note that the name “McLaughlin” could be a pseudonym. The address associated with the name is a PO Box and is listed on the proposed legislation. The Fifth Column has taken the liberty of sending Mr. McLaughlin some research material in the form of explicit videos and magazines related to sodomy so he can better grasp the subject matter.  Maybe it’s simply a lack of understanding.

Editor’s Note: The Fifth Column researched the bill’s writer. We humbly suggest that he head to the nearest rainbow flag and ask for fashion help because… wow.